I solemnly swear that I will not...

• Sing “hit me baby one more time” during a spanking.

• Squirt lube/squirty cream in his face and tell him I’m into ‘giving’ facials.

• Hide his spanking implements and replace them with Pokemon cards and chocolate bars.

• Use the Hitachi Wand as a pretend microphone.

• Say “now make me a sandwich” after he’s made me cum.

• Ask if he “kisses his momma with that mouth” while he’s dirty talking.

• Shout “ThunderCats are go” when he’s about to cum.

• Roll my eyes.

• Stomp my feet.

• Spank him with a spatula.

• Refer to him as “my bitch”

• Decorate with stickers, or attach balloons to his toy collection.

• Put nipple clamps on the chicken breasts in his fridge.

• Glue all the pegs together.

• Say “good girl” or “left a bit, right a bit” or hand him an A to Z while he’s performing oral sex on me.

• Recite the plot to High School Musical when he asks me how my day has been.

• Replace the contents of his underwear drawer with pretty girlpainties.

• Fill his pockets full of sequins and glitter.

• Draw a penis on his face while he sleeps.

• Draw a face on his cock while he sleeps.

• Attempt to capture/kidnap/restrain him. He is much taller, stronger, smarter, and meaner than me. Remember that!

• Use his rope for skipping.

• Refer to the kitchen as “his office”

• Change his desktop wallpaper to a collage of kittens, cupcakes and hearts.

• Change his ringtone to Justin Bieber.

• Shout “Hammer Time” when he tells me to stop.

• Text him random facts about cats in the middle of the night.

• Ask “is it in yet?”

• Call him Daddy in the supermarket, while squeezing his bum.

• Shout “you shall not pass” when he tries to insert his penis into me.

• Ask him to “take the Ring to Mordor” and hand him a cock ring.

• Refer to sex as porking or making bacon.

• Talk to him all about bacteria when he asks for dirty talk.

• Call his penis Princess Fluffykins/Pretty McPrettyton/a grown up lollipop.

• Say “she shoots, she scores” or score him out of ten after we’ve done the blanket dance.

• Ask if he has his man period.

• Stomp my feet and say “but I want to ride the penis”

• Gargle his man juice, or wipe it on his curtains.

• Pretend to choke to death.

• Use Bazinga as a safeword.

• Compare his penis to a strap on, and threaten him with it.

• Ask “are we there yet?” during sex.

• Make sheep noises.

• Measure/hit his penis with a spoon.

• Say “mmm you smell like my dad”

• Rickroll him during sex.

• Shout “trolls, trolls, the fucking trolls” in the middle of the night.

• Go cock eyed while looking up during a blow job.

• Pull his hair and call him Mary.

• Make him roses out of cum tissues.

• Stop mid hand job and ask him to pull my finger.

• Fall asleep during luuuuuurve making.

• Sing the Hokey Pokey while he contours me into different positions.

• Threaten him with vegetables.

• Ask if he’s paying with cash or credit card.

• Punch the air/do the “I got laid” dance after sex.

• Disagree with his choice of punishment, and recommend my own.

• Call him a wuss/girl/wimp/pussy. It hurts.

• Threaten to stop tending my lady garden.

• Write threats on the bathroom mirror.

• Tell him I want a knickerbocker glory. We have different ideas of what this is!

• Put vegetables/slices of meat in his bed and tell him he has upset the local farmers market mafia.

• Shout “safeword” or “hard limit” when he tries to express his feelings.

• Perform surprise pop rock blow jobs.

• Do a Gollum impression and say “my precious” when he whispers threats in my ear.

• Continue to reference Lord of the Rings.

• Hogtie him while he sleeps. Boundaries. Consent. I’m learning.

• Do ice down his pants surprise attacks.

• Shout “beam me up, Scotty” when pulls out a Hitachi wand.

• Jump up and down on his bed while shouting “look at me! Check me out! I’m so awesome! I can swim like a motherfucking fish!”

• Ask him where he thinks our relationship is going?

• What’s on the Netflix later?,

• How his mom is doing? when he’s about to cum.

• Hide chocolate buttons in his fleshlight. Chocolate willy surprise!

• Sew his belt to his pants.

• Take a picture of his cum face “SAY CHEESE!”