Managing bipolar disorder in a D/S relationship

One of the things that motivates to live is love. The other is actually hate. You get to a point in life where you hate the world and the cruelty of its inhabitants to the point where it no longer makes any sense to end yourself but rather want to end that cruelty. The empathy I don’t feel for myself is still there and turned outward in a desperate attempt to latch on to life. 

In any case, before I start rambling more, I want to get into this blog. 

A relationship is not a cure for bipolar disorder. It is extremely important to keep in mind that no matter what the relationship itself is not a cure for the bipolar. Nor is the behaviour of the bipolar person completely excusable. However, what is important is that both people involved do not forget the existence of this monster no matter how good things get or for how long. 

Here are some of my observations based on experience and a little bit of friendly advice:

1. Don’t forget its existence

There are several issues around bipolar (like any other mental illness) that keep propping up time after time. Some of the most obvious ones are the mood instabilities and cycles (treated or untreated, they will occur eventually). Some of the ways you can notice that your partner might be switching is through becoming

- increasingly withdrawn, - sleeping more, - losing interest in things that they were hyper about just a few days ago, - not wanting to leave the house, - making and changing plans

There’s another side to Bipolar and that’s mania. If the exact opposite or most (or all) of the above also start happening, then that means a manic episode is coming on. A manic episode is just as dangerous as a depressive episode. 

As a dominant, or submissive partner what can I do?

This is the toughest question to answer because in the end each person is still different. However, there are some general guidelines that can be followed that can really help a bipolar person come out of their phases and start moving towards what’s normal for them. 

Whether you’re a top or bottom, one of the most important things you can provide to a bipolar person is companionship. It’s not as simple as it may sound because the kind of companionship required in each phase is different. 

Manic Phase

You’ll notice some extremely irrational behaviours during this phase. The initial impression is to allow the bipolar person to be wild and free and not appear to control their behaviour. The person in the relationship needs to also be aware and conscious of how to link certain behaviours to the disease and keep making connections.

If the bipolar person is self-aware and has a basic understanding of their disease, they can be easier to deal with in a manic episode. If it is safe to prompt them that their behaviour could be related to a manic phase, it’s important to let them know in order to at least put the idea in their head. Some obvious red flags are extreme energy, desires to do something completely extraordinary, shopping sprees. When you notice these behaviours, jus reign them in a little by asking some questions about why. 

The problem around impulsive behaviours is that there is almost never a rational explanation behind them. The explanation can be made to sound extremely logical (and infectious because of the enthusiastic and charming delivery), but on closer examination almost always contains significant holes that can be broken down and questioned. 

However, in doing so, it’s also extremely important to do this gently instead of directly challenging or saying no. That could lead to more resistance and even rejection of the advice of the caregiver (for lack of a better word). 

Keep the dialogue open. There are times when a person in a full blown manic episode can become neglectful and seem so on top of the world that it seems unthinkable that they might actually be needing help. In all honesty, a person in a manic episode needs just as much help as a person in a full blown depressive episode. 

However, no matter what happens, protect yourself from abuse as well. Giving doesn’t mean opening yourself up to potential harm. 

Depressive Phase

A lot more is written about how to help someone in a depressive phase than a manic one. Pretty much all the same rules apply. Provide love. Empathy. Kindness. Respect. If the person has become suicidal, try to remind them of their worth and importance to themselves. However, that may not always work. 

It’s a storm of fiery emotions and they don’t need to be controlled, but weathered. This is an extremely difficult ask of anyone and it’s ok if it gets too much. Please remember that a person in the grip of a bipolar depressive phase isn’t at fault. 

One of the things that typically doesn’t get written about depressed patients is that they feel extremely vulnerable and the fact that there have been manic episodes leading to the depressed phase, there’s an increased amount of complexity in the depressive episode of a bipolar patient. The complexity comes from the feelings of incapability and inability to understand the sudden loss of enthusiasm. 

For me, that has been my biggest problem. Unable to understand what’s happening to me and why. I’ve managed to build up 17 years worth of self-protection strategies so with age it’s becoming easier for me to manage it. 

This is not the case for people who are not fully self-aware of their condition. They need to not be left alone even when they demand it. Let them be quiet but watch over them and stay close by. Not too close, not too far. Supportive words help. Doing what is asked helps. Doing for them without being asked helped. Also depends on their individual requirements. 

One of the things that can be done is if there’s something a bipolar has enthused about during their manic phases and has been unable to do it (or you’ve been unable to do it for them), then it might be a good idea to ask them about that and see if you can do it together. It won’t be easy and there might be less enthusiasm, but it’s better than nothing and can start them back on the road towards mood stability. 

Getting help and suggesting therapy

Extremely difficult topic to touch imo. Especially when the bipolar person is the top/dominant. I don’t know what to suggest about this except the fact that the desire to get better has to be there in the individual. My road to recovery started in December 2012 when I was pretty much forced by my family to start seeing a therapist. 

Getting real help is extremely important. You can’t do it on your own, nor should you have to. If the person is a top, there are more chances of them not seeking the help they require. But tops also should be aware that they can’t simply order a bottom to seek help and that’ll help. 

Do it together as a couple for as long as you can. Be the one to call and setup an appointment if you have to. Be the one to take them on the visit and be with them if you can. For people in an LDR, with today’s tech you can take the person with you on Skype in a session (just OK it with them and the doctor). 

Find support in others and people who’ve had experience dealing with bipolar. You don’t have to do this alone and in many cases you just can’t.