sub/Dom Space, sub/Dom Drop and Aftercare

We do things that are out of the ordinary. We experience relatively extreme pleasures and pains in the name of what we enjoy; whether it’s a simple over-the-knee spanking or an abduction scene with a sprinkling of waterboarding and rape play.

Just as our kinks are varied, the effects of kink come in many forms too. They’re usually physical or psychological—even spiritual for some. One common element is the release of hormones within the body.

Endorphins are hormones which are classed as opioids and fall into the same sub-category as morphine. (Half of the name is taken from morphine: ‘-orphin’, meaning ‘morphine-like’.) They can create intense highs and euphoria, produced by the brain during various experiences—not least of all through love, excitement, pain and orgasm. It’s no wonder they’re often cited when trying to understand kink physiologically.

Adrenaline (or epinephrine in the U.S.) is also common. It’s a hormone that’s released during an emotional experience, most often with fear and the fight-or-flight reaction, which itself has a long list of effects.

Emotions and mental states add to the experience as well. The session might involve something new and untested, revisiting something that was once triggering or feared. It could be with someone new, or with a long-term partner whom you deeply want to please.

Every session has an almost unique mix of physical, mental and emotional being, both individually and together, which can lead to three particular phases.

It’s important to note that while all three are heavily related to one another, they are also independent of one another. They’re collectively seen as a natural progression but one or two may be experienced without the other(s).

Space (or Subspace)

During a session, the combination of responses can create a trance-like feeling often called subspace. In such a state, the submissive becomes less and less aware of what’s going on around them, to the point where they might not feel pain.

Externally, they become still or quiet as the rush overpowers them, floating on a huge natural high. It’s rather like being drunk; the submissive isn’t wholly themselves and is unlikely to be in full control of their faculties.

The implications for a submissive’s play partner are important. If the submissive is not alert to what’s happening, or the pain they are receiving, then the partner needs to be. They are now the submissive’s eyes, ears—even skin.

It should go without saying that the partner should be aware of this regardless, but it is paramount when the submissive cannot be relied upon to say something—especially pain—is too much. Anyone who has hurt themselves while drunk could probably attest to not realising just how much they were injured until sobriety kicked in.

The effects of subspace don’t stop simultaneously with the session. Just as finishing the last beer doesn’t instantly make you sober, the body is still reacting and processing to whatever you’ve been doing (or had done to you). The dominant partner should be aware of this as well. You wouldn’t let a friend walk or drive home smashed and high as a kite; neither should anyone who is in subspace be left to themselves.

On one last note, dominant partners can experience this too. The simulations are different but the reaction is similar; a natural high, a flight of euphoria. It is often a limited experience because, clearly, the dominant is in control and has to keep control for the session to stay within limits and maintain safety for all involved.

Drop (or Subdrop)

Unfortunately the hormonal and emotional high can’t last forever. The rush is just that—relatively fleeting. It could last for minutes or hours but once the body has flushed the hormones away, a large hole where all the lovely sensations and feelings used to be can be left.

The come-down, often called subdrop, is very similar to withdrawal. Just as subspace can be likened to being drunk, subdrop can be like a rough hangover. The body reacts to the sudden absence of physical, mental and emotional highs, sending the partner back to Earth. What the symptoms are, how deeply they are felt and how soon they appear after a session varies wildly.

Physically, they may be cold, aching, unsteady on their feet, dizzy. Mentally, they may feel guilt, doubt or shame over what they’ve done or participated in. Emotions can hit a depressing low along with sadness, anger and emptiness. Those who are going through a drop can experience irrationality—crying or lashing out for no reason, for example.

This is by no means an exhaustive list. As is always the case with kink, everyone is different. Which is why it’s important to be aware of yourself—and your partner—after any session. Your reactions, and the depth of them, might not fit with the common suspects. Being alert to yourself in the hours and days after play will help you—and your partner help you—regain normality.

You can help lessen the effects of a drop. Before a session, ensure that you are taking care of yourself; that you have eaten healthily and had plenty of water; that any health problems are taken care of and discussed; and that any negative or troubling emotions are shared and put to rest. If your body or mind begins in the wrong state for a session, then it could make a drop worse.

Again, this is often seen from the submissive’s point of view, but dominant partners also experience it (and more often than the preceding ‘space’) as their own ecstasy and elation subsides.

Aftercare

Aftercare should be discussed and planned for—in terms of equipment and time—before anything happens.

When a loved one is unwell, you look after them. If they are going through a tough time, you’re there for them. While a kink session should be nothing like illness or trauma, everyone concerned has been through something extraordinary and real life can be hard to adjust back to.

Just as with ‘space’ and ‘drop’, aftercare comes in every shade possible. Whether it’s your very first time and have no idea what sort of care you’ll need or your ten-thousandth time and your fairly sure you just need a hug, talking about post-session needs is as important as setting hard limits and safewords. If it is your first time, consider what kinds of comfort you usually need in other situations.

Physically, the dominant should take care of any immediate practicalities, reviving aching limbs that were restrained, attending to cuts or injuries with first aid, providing a blanket or clothes for warmth.

Replenishing the body is crucial. Orange juice is particularly good for its vitamins as they can soften the drop back to real life, soft drinks are better avoided for their high sugar content. A little food is also helpful; fruit to pick at is always excellent, a portion of chocolate might not go amiss as eating it releases a small helping of endorphins back into the body.

Aftercare is as necessary as consent for its emotional and mental support. The biggest part of this is reassuring your partner you are there for them. They may need to hear how much you adore, accept, and respect them. They may need to know they aren’t shameful or disgusting. They may need to discuss what you’ve done and how they feel about that.

They might just need a hug or even be left alone.

Aftercare doesn’t stop on the day. The onus is on the dominant to check in with their play partner for at least the few following days to ensure they are fine and not suffering in any way. If you don’t live together, a voice call is better than text-based talk.

It’s down to the dominant to check, and provide, what their partner requires. Some need more attention than others; a few need no attention at all. There’s no prescription or commandments to what aftercare should be, it’s whatever will help each other back to normality with a parachute rather than a crash landing.

What’s paramount is listening to what your partner needs and giving them that. To not is shirking your responsibility and can potentially hurt those you play with.

Once again, this is usually seen as something given to the submissive by the dominant, which is natural given the imbalance of power during a session. However, it’s wise to note that dominant partners can need aftercare too.

Remember

These three elements—space, drop and aftercare—can occur together or separately. The presence or absence of one doesn’t equate to the presence or absence of the others. No kink or action is immune from them, they can be brought about by anything. Anyone—submissive, dominant, or otherwise—can experience them. Talk to each other and be open about your needs. Be there for those you play with, physically and emotionally.