The Long Distance D/s Relationship

I’ve been asked many times to give my opinion or offer advice on how to negotiate a long distance Dominant/submissive relationship. I’ve been reluctant to write this piece because I’ve never been in one. However, based on the volume of LDR-related questions I receive, I thought it was worth while to compose this.

Is this what I want?

I want you to ask yourself this question: Why do I want to be in a LDR? I don’t have a quippy, canned response; but LDRs come with far more challenges than short-distance relationships, so it follows that you ought to be very clear why you’re choosing in to an LDR.

When you choose a LDR, you are choosing OUT of a close-distance possibility. You may not be aware of the possibility, but you’re closing the door on it. You’re choosing to occupy your energy, attention and focus on someone else. You’re going to miss out on other opportunities.

Ask yourself how important physical touch is to you. Technology is amazing; but you can send text messages every five minutes and skype every night and still not ever touch the person you love. Is that really what you want?

If, after reading all of that, you’re still 100% committed to driving down this road, read on.

I’m writing these tips from the Dominant perspective, so if you’re a submissive, I suggest you share this article with your partner. My tips for negotiating a long-distance, D/s relationship are all based around structure and accountability – not that different than my advice for a close-distance relationship.

How Do I Structure My Relationship?

Create Boundaries and expectations. Will you see other people IRL? Online? Be clear and explicit, or feelings will be hurt.

Create scheduled check-in times. I recommend three levels: text, phone, and Skype. During a work day, I recommend a minimum of 3 text check-ins and one phone check in. For example, I would expect my girl to text me 3 times during the day, once before 10AM, once before Noon, and once before 4PM. One of the check-ins must be a picture of herself. The phone call would be scheduled – for example, 6PM for at least 20 minutes. The Skype would be at bed time. Side note for Dominants – you need to setup check-ins for yourself as well. Your partner needs to know when s/he can expect to hear from you. Building trust is about consistency; this is NOT a one-way street.

Weekly Date Night. Set aside a night each week that’s just about you and your partner. No distractions, no other obligations, just two laptops and quality time.

Undies control. I’m a big believer in this for close-distance relationships too. Doms – have a photo-catalog of your submissive’s undies on your phone, and pick them out each day. This way you will have control over the fabric touching your most precious possession is most tender parts each day. Submissives- this is a great way to remind yourself who’s in charge, but also to feel close to your Dominant.

Bedtime and wake-up time. If you’re in love, you want that person to be your first and last thought of the day. What better way to do this than sending a picture of you in bed to your Dominant to show you’re obeying his schedule?